With all of the recent new additions to the population here in Nutjob Hills, I'm beginning to think that I'm going to need to start a spreadsheet to keep track of everybody and what they're all doing. No I'm not actually that much of a snoop, it's just that I find their various and sundry stories and (mis)adventures to be frequently entertaining, they're frequently something that I end up writing about because of how weird and sometimes funny some of their exploits can get.

Some of these people are almost entirely normal folks who go about normal day to day lives (except for their one little quirk), others like Mr. Helpful are full out whack jobs that are almost legendary.

Anyway, one of the new additions is a guy that everybody has taken to calling Mr. Tub. They do so partly because he bears a strong resemblance to Sidney Poitier and partly because he also looks like the classic "Before" picture in alli weight loss advertisements. I've heard him admit to weighing over 450 (though not exactly how much over he won't say).

What makes him qualify as a genuine resident of Nutjob Hills is his job. He sells weight loss supplements. Not only that but he apparently does it very well and makes a substantial income doing it. The guy is on the go constantly, one of the busiest people in the area. In spite of that he takes time to work out for an hour every day and runs no less than five miles every night rain or shine.

What I don't get is how he can be so busy, so active, and not show any sign of dropping pounds. I was in his house once during a little "meet & greet" that he invited everybody to when he moved in. His kitchen hasn't got a "bad for you food" in it. According to all reports that I've heard nobody has ever seen him eat something that wasn't healthy. There's plenty of witnesses too, his dining room & kitchen are in the front of the house with wide bay windows that are never covered and he frequently invites people over at the drop of a hat.

I've seen him in the grocery a few times and he's never so much as looked at a potato chip, twinkie or pizza. The man is a mystery.

Technorati Tags: weird, nutjob hills, healthy eating, humor, odd, sidney poitier

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Mr Helpful is at it again. Though this time he's doing me the incredible favor of targeting his attentions on somebody else. This way not only can I get more work done, I can actually get a little bit of a laugh out of his exploits (though not very much because I honestly pity his victims.).

Currently there's a new resident of Nutjob Hills that's building a house not far from here. Well, of course Mr Helpful just HAD to rush right over with his never ending offers of "help". I have to admit that while it's funny to a degree, it's also kinda sad, the poor guy never knew what hit him.

I don't have all of the details and I'm not sure I ever will but what I have heard so far is that Mr Helpful showed up about the time they were getting ready to pour the foundation for the new house. He decided it was time to convince the guy to halt construction so that the forms could be inspected to make sure everything was right because Mr. Helpful just had a "really bad feeling" something wasn't right (too bad the problem was really between his ears!).

After about three hours delay to inspect every aspect of the forms twice, he then proceeded to check on what mix of cement was being used. (this is where it gets fuzzy) I don't know how it happened, but he decided that the formula needed to be adjusted and that the forms needed to be sprayed with some kind of liner compound (I have no idea what he could possibly mean.) Somehow he managed to convince the new guy it was not only essential but required by local ordinances.

Three hours later the new guy has to halt construction again because he needs a trip to the hospital. Exactly how he ended up with an industrial strength case of eczema I'll never understand. I didn't think that normal construction materials could cause such a thing but we are, of course, talking about Mr. Helpful and his positively frightening array of "great ideas" and "family recipes" for just about anything.. most of which should be regulated by the EPA.

I understand that this mess has cost at least a seven day delay in construction, possibly longer. If I get a chance I'm going to try to meet the new guy and warn him against allowing Mr Helpful to "help" any more no matter how serious or important he says it is.

Technorati Tags: cement, humor, eczema, nutjob hills, weird, construction, neighbor

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Harv's Metro Car Wash in midtown Sacramento last Wednesday afternoon had something of an upset. It seems that a couple of dark suited IRS agents came by to demand payment of some delinquent taxes.

"They were deadly serious, very aggressive, very condescending," says Harv's owner, Aaron Zeff.

You can imagine how this would normally mean a whole crapload of legal trouble, audits and lets not forget the fines and penalties.

Imagine the surprise and absolute dumbfounded shock when it was discovered that these two IRS goons went to all that trouble and bad attitude to recover the shocking sum of four cents.

I mean really, can a government agency possibly get any more ass backwards and anal retentive in their priorities?

I can't see how.

Technorati Tags: taxes, irs, four cents, delinquent

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The guy I call "Mr. Helpful" isn't quite as unique a character as you would think. His type is, unfortunately, a lot more common than you'd think. And don't let my calling him Mr. lead you to believe that only men have this affliction. There are equally as many women with it. I call this one Mr. because he is a guy.

The main way to tell when you are afflicted with such a person is their irrepressible urge to "help" even when it's something that they cannot or should not help with. There is also a strong measure of overkill.

Like when you are getting ready to sign your kid up for preschool and Mr. Helpful shows up with boxes of files that have all of the current details about every preschool within fifty miles.... and in the other boxes is loads of information about all of the possible educational options your child will face through their entire life from what grade school is best to lsat prep courses to prepare them for college. Never mind the fact that these events are years off... Mr Helpful thinks you need to be prepared WAY ahead of time and he's determined to help you achieve that. He'll even offer to sit up with you every night and read & explain all of his literature to you... all 37,000 pages of it!

Regardless of the exact circumstances, when you do figure out that you have a Mr. Helpful around, all I can say is "Welcome to Nutjob Hills".

Technorati Tags: nutjob, humor, mr helpful, nutjob hills

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Ok, I haven't actually thought that I was ever "safe" from the constant barrage of "Mr Helpful" and his constant offers to "help" with just about anything he hears about but I have (sort of) managed to keep it down to a dull roar.

All that has changed now and not for the better. His son recently moved into the neighborhood and that's a problem. While he's a decent enough guy, he's got not one but three jobs in sales, selling all manner of things as a kind of "jack of all trades" version of a salesman. That's all well and good for him but what makes it bad for me is that he's cut from the same cloth as Mr Helpful the elder.

This means that not only does he have this incessant urge to "help" any "problem" that he finds out about, he will also do his very best to convince you that the "cure" can be had from one of the many manufacturers whose products he sells.

This has just now given me an idea. I wonder if he sells twelve foot high electric privacy fencing? Maybe putting something like that up around the house would keep him from making those uninvited visits to my office ... particularly at 3:00am.

Technorati Tags: weird neighbors, nutjob, humor, nutjob hills, annoyance